After arriving home last evening I plopped myself down on the couch looking forward to rounding out my evening with the encore showing of the Daily Show and Colbert.
Earlier that day, I had been looking to see if any mice had returned since the slaughter of 14 of their friends over the past 6 months in my humble waterfront apartment in Hamilton, so my couch cushions were strewn about with some stacked precariously ontop of each other. As I pondered over what would make a delicious 2am snack, my eyes were drawn to the cushion less seat next to me by the tiniest movement.
6 little legs beneath a rusty colored pear shaped body crawled ever so slowly away from me, with a pace that could only be matched by a fat kid trying with earnest to run a marathon.
My eyes widened and solely fixed on this bug, slowly turned back towards the TV as my body simultaneously produced a full body shiver to the low bellow of “Uuuuuuuuuuughhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!”
Bed Bugs…f#%ing bed bugs!!!
There’s no mistaking them. They look exactly like they did in the Milton Bradley board game from the 80s
Only, it’s as if they were fired from the game, moved to Hamilton and had spent the last 30 years shooting heroine, drinking mouthwash and wandering the streets of steeltown.
A girlfriend of mine had these little vampire fuckers a few years ago so I knew right away what it was. I hurriedly ran upstairs, garbage bags in hand and started throwing my clothes into the bags as to avoid a spread of the infestation. I stripped my mattress and was relieved that I couldn’t spot any other bugs…not even a trace of the blood they leak after feasting on you. A tell tale sign your place is infected.
I was about to exhale my sigh of relief, being thankful that at least this problem was contained to the downstairs couch and I could sleep in my bed that night. Then the same creepy fat kid running movement caught my eye. ANOTHER BUG!
The same shuddery “Uggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh” echoed down the corridor of my apartment. I reached for a Ziploc container and scooped the fucker up, returned downstairs and grabbed his buddy who was now almost off the couch and put him in the container too.
I’m not sure exactly why, but it gave me some relief to think that if these pests were confined, it might make them feel bad somehow for crashing in my home and biting me. Yah, that’ll show’em Kirby. That will show the tiny bugs who lack any sense of cognition, to not mess with you. You go girl!
The hollow buzz of the vacuum and steam cleaner will ring in my ears for hours tonight.
I’ve already contacted my landlord to see how he wants to approach this though I don’t know if its his responsibility.
I’m also taking names for the two detainees currently being held in Kirbtaunimo Prison.