Well it happened again. Not enough sleep, too much drinking, smoking, partying and awesome times have conspired against me and I’m again feeling the sick. I guess I asked for it and its not nearly as bad as last summers bout of Tonsilitis post Bandon Folk Festival. A sickness that hit me so hard I was literally shaking in my tent breaking out in sweats and chills.
I had to ride that one out for nearly a week. This time its just a tickle in the back of the throat, an obvious result of not enough sleep. I could care less though. Until I actually sat down to start talking about it here with all of you, it was annoying. I was upset, kinda wanted to be home convalescing in some bed. Cozied up to some beautiful women, just to rest. Now as I sit here typing in a Chapters Starbucks in Nanaimo, I don’t really mind the sickness.
Side Story: I always mis-type Nanaimo. I realized just today that I have to approach this trickster phonetically; “Nah-Nah-Emo”
We havent had a chance to discuss, you and I, much about tour since my first day in Sudbury, ON. Needless to say there has been quite a lot going on. Two festivals, Brandon Folk Fest and Artswells, shooting guns, nearly dying on the Trans Canada and the pinnicle…. farting infront of a girl I had asked out…moments after asking her. Thats right folks, you heard it first. Well, perhaps she did. I gather its probably not the most flattering thing one can do after engaging with someone you find attractive.
Let me explain.
I, being me, being the sucker for sweetness and pretty lady singers that I am, found myself enamoured with a very beautiful women. I took every chance I could to hang out with her, to talk with her, get to know her a little bit more. The fateful night came on the heels of a wicked day of partying and awesome music. Drinks were flowing, food services was food servicing…servicing rather gaseous generating food I might add and I was well on my way to getting 1. Far too inebriated 2. Acquiring the courage to ask out this lovely lady.
As the night drew on, she disappeared. Where had she gone? I’m finally confident enough in my wobbly state to say something to the effect of “You are pretty can we hang out more?” or something equally slick. Gosh darn…where could she be. Then, as if the planets had perfectly aligned, she appeared by the fire, whiskey bottle in hand and also keeping step with the party that is surrounding us. She sat down next to me.
“Here’s my chance, but better drink this whiskey shes handed me first though.” I calculated. One sip turned into One-teen sips. The chorus of music from all of the other musicians singing, the smoke of the fire, the nervous lunch I had consumed, the nerve inside me built and I turned to her, “We should…hang out some time…I..”
“Yeah that’d be great!” she replied
Holy shit, she said yes. I continued to her, stammering and elated, “Its..its just I, I just like you a lot and I think your really pretty and…and …and” I stumbled over my own words, the flood gates of flattery bursting open upon her.
“Easy there big boy…don’t get all, heavy on me.” She smirked. I smiled and nodded.
With a mutual understanding of a future meetup, my elation took over. I snatched the bottle of Whisky from her hand to toast my weekend long accomplishment and turned to join in on the chorus of the songs now being sung around us. I cued up my harmonies and prepared to join in the bellowing chorus.
The “putter, putter, pwaaaaaap!” release of the internal exhaust belted out before the words.
Terrified, my heart sank…”Holy shit…I …I just cut huge ass, this is NOT happen…”
“HAHAHA!!! Kirby just cut huge ass! Oh my god!” my pretty lady friend exclaimed loudly above boom of the song, cutting me off mid thought.
Up until that point in my life…the most embarrassing thing I had ever done infront of a girl was slip and fall. Grade 8, Lindsey Mcfadden, at Sarah Halls pool party…and Sarah warned me not to run…the deck was slippery.
Hardly comparable to a farting harmony right next to the girl I had just asked out. “This is like one of those SEVENTEEN horror stories” I thought, “What do I do!” I looked over at the five other male musicians around me, anticipating with fear how they would now inevitably jump all over this moment, ridicule me, crush me a little bit more into the ball of cower I was crumpling into.
The male group, well aware of the situation and instinctively knowing what I had done and how I felt replied to the pretty girls ridicule, “It happens.” One said coldly. “Yea I’ve been farting all night.” said another. I was saved.
The empathy was palpable. They clearly knew I had been trying to work up the courage to talk to this girl. How awesome of all of them. I wanted to hug them.
I went to stand up to, to get away from the situation. But the Whiskey said “NO!”
“NO YOU WILL NOT STAND! YOU YOUNG MAN….SHALL FALL OVER!”
BOOM! I stumble stood and fell down on my ass. Through the dust that plumed around me, the earth made sure everyone knew I had farted earlier and now decided to send up a plum of cartoon style dust. I stammered, stood and said…”I’m…going to bed.”
Heart broken and ashamed…I wobbled away to my tent.
***
I guess worse things could have happened. Turns out everyone thought it was more funny then embarrassing. Turns out I might get a chance at redemption. But who knows the future. All I know is I had a great time followed by another great time at ArtsWells. Less farting at that festival though.
All in all, this solo tour…is turning out to be a blast.
More stories soon.
Like a tale of why I’m talking to this guy
Cheers
Kirby